In all of the communication faux pas in the world, there’s one that’s incredibly subtle, and yet makes you less and less effective over time. On top of it all, it’s more partial to women than anyone else.

It is, of course, the consistent and egregious use of qualifiers.

“We need to have the meeting by Monday” turns into “I think we might need to have that meeting by Monday.”

“I’d like to take the design in a different direction” turns into “I love what you did here but I think this might not fully resonate with the audience and I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind making a few adjustments.”

“I’m not taking on any additional commitments right now, but thank you so much for thinking of me,” turns into “I am so incredibly flattered by the offer, though I don’t have much time right now I would really love to be considered in the future, let’s check back in and see what we can make work.”

Initially, we assume that this type of communication is simply diplomatic.

Our intent is not to mislead people, but instead, to reassure them.

Yes, we need to have the meeting by Monday, but it’s not that big of a deal so don’t worry if you can’t. No, the design isn’t what it needs to be right now, but I appreciate your work and it’s still really good. I’m absolutely not committing to this time-consuming project that I would receive very little benefit from, but let me verbally keep the door open so you don't feel offended by me turning it down.

In the end, we don’t actually make anyone feel better, all we do is confuse them about our priorities.

When we are frustrated by how people are responding to us, the first thing we need to evaluate is how we are communicating with them.

The honest truth is that when we approach day-to-day workflow in this way, we really end up just misleading people about what needs to be done. Though we think it’s helping, it’s really not. Most people would just prefer to hear exactly what needs to be done and when as opposed to playing a guessing game and never quite coming in correct.

What really happens is that we do not emphasize the importance of timing.

We infer that some piece of the design was good and so the person working on it naturally keeps an element in the new update and then we’re frustrated that it’s not exactly what we want.

We tell someone “not now” when we mean “not ever,” and then get angry when it seems like they aren’t respecting our boundaries by checking back in — which was precisely what we prompted them to do.

The use of qualifiers weakens our effectiveness overall.

The truth is that it is not necessary to speak in a way that is both courteous of others and clear in direction.

We are not doing anyone any favors, least of all ourselves.

For women in particular, the idea that we need to shrink, edit and adapt to the world around us is still ingrained in us — even when we’re speaking to a team of people who are looking to us for precise directions.

The more clearly you can communicate, the more that will get done, and the better it will be. You can still speak with appreciation and recognition of someone’s time and effort while at the same time letting them know what needs to happen from this point forward.

 

Forbes